Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My patience has stretch marks.