I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
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When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.