Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
thank god
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat