*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My brain is a bad influence on me
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.