In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…