walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?