Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Based Erika
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too