I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
uncle dave has been through hell
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.