I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
when you don’t want to be too vague
No, I don’t think I will.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.