me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡