When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too