*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes