Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.