[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Hard not to take this personally
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
