Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Finally!

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”