Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

went fishing caught a bass

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce