Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”