Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?