Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

She knows her part so well!

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.