Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

I finally found a reason to live again.

what

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

ㅤ

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.