Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

ACED my prostate exam!

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.