Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

☺️

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Passwords are more important than ever.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.