We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.