A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
me at the job i begged god for
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.