‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”