A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
just having fun
ew if literal: let me be clear
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
