Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go