Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

*cough*

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.