Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat