Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

then why did i get this email

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement