Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

looks legit

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.