Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

What’s this sorcery? 😂

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”