A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.