Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.