A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake