A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50