A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
How to walk around a museum
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.