Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

rest in peas

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.