Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.