Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?