Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

opening a flower shop called women in stem

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.