Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

This dude got his own movie?

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night