Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

liiiiiiiiike

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace