Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.