Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

How to properly lift a body

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Monday Lisa

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.