Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.