A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.