Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

.. do you even science?

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.