Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

☠️

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Passed by a old school Math example today.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

About to throw up

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over