[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”