A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Weirdos gonna weird.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Harsh but fair
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My flabber has been gasted.