Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Meow

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

scared to check what name she chose

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*