A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’