Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

The most important meal of the day is the next one

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc