a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Oddly specific
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
We need it on priority
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules