a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
📽️movie date🎞️
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*