a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
The government even made aliens boring
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I put the p in pants.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though