Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I am having an out of money experience.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
This will never not be funny to me.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.