Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone really

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

Man these end times are taking forever

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.