Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

i was baptized in a car wash

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000