Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?