Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

How it started: How it’s going:

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options