Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.