A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Living the best life.. 😊
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look