Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

With a text.